march 16, 2022 - 10:52 am
Dear diary...
today tastes bitter. I'm in such a bad mood. I know why, but there's nothing I can do to change it, which is only making it worse. Today was especially bad regarding my weight. I weigh less than the last time I checked (not like a real amount, just natural fluctuation) but god.. i'm eating less and i have been more active than i have in 2 years (i gained so much because i had to be at home for 2 years and being stuck inside made me too depressed, so i never worked out and i only got to go out like once every two weeks. it was really bad and i gained over 10 lbs...) but back to my original point, i looked it up because technically i should be losing weight, but since i go long periods without eating apparently that makes you gain weight? even though it's less calories? So now I'm trying to eat during the day but... food makes me so anxious now. Tomorrow I am going to dance for a bit for exercises, and I'm going to make sure to eat something. even if it's just a little bit! I've been chubby my whole life but holy shit, this is just ridiculous. I want to cry. I've spent my whole day looking at stuff to buy. I want to buy things big enough to fit me, so that I can feel cute even though I'm this huge ^^; but why is it when I'm seriously looking to buy I can't find anything!!! two weeks ago i checked auctions just to browse and there were so many cheap adorable items. today there is absolutely nothing! all expensive and not what i want at all. not even the closet child has anything to do with making an order for... I hope they update soon. I think they did yesterday but it's all pink house stuff...ugh! All I want to do is complain about how fat I am! it's consuming me! I can't go on instagram because I just get so upset looking at everyone. I wish I could be thin. I wish I knew what it was like to be thin. I don't want to be the negative person I've been lately. When I first started this diary I was feeling hopeful but it's funny how my mental health can just go completely sideways in a few weeks. Maybe next week I'll feel better... guess we'll see! Last night I watched a silent voice to feel better, and it did help. i'm so reserved, wahh i wonder if anyone reads this? I probably seem so annoying! I mean it's true, but... anyways... another lame entry. oh, I started playing Sims 4! just to build stuff. Right now I'm making a little cottage on a lake. Next time I write I will include pictures!This week I also need to write an essay. I don't have any formal experience, I hope they take "freelance" illustration because that's all I got!. I would love to write more, but I have a lot on my plate right now. oh geez, that's a really long entry.. next one will be positive, no matter what, i promise! Sayonara.
march 14, 2022 - 11:12 pm
feelings
I was feeling weird tonight and I don't know why. I just felt out of it, I wasn't having fun with anything and really just wasn't myself for a little bit. I kinda just relaxed and watched YouTube then I watched Naruto which never disappoints. I had a pretty normal day, boring and just school and texting that's about it. I'm tired of having boring days, I just want things to be normal again and I know that's not happening for a long time. Every night I think about how I'm so far away from everything I love and I just want these thoughts to stop, I want to be home I'm so lost, I just need to talk to someone, I just want to open up but I feel like talking to other people about my problems is just dragging them down. I just don't want to keep It in anymore. Anyways I'm gonna go to bed.
march 25, 2022 - 9:08 pm
Goodnight!!!
As I type my final journal for today, we're having a big rainstorm outside... I didn't see that coming because I didn't really check the weather for tonight. Anyways, I didn't realize I forgot to write anything yesterday. I was really tired, though. Yesterday I felt too tired to do much, but I did some stuff. I felt a bit motivated to go out and do stuff after school, but I happened to be too tired to shower, so... Anyway, today was a good day. Everything went really well and I got up early and even felt well rested. Yet, for some reason I still feel like I should have worked harder. I don't know what to do about this feeling. I was sure that as long as I worked, I would feel fine for a while and not feel guilty since I am doing the one thing I have wanted to do and the one thing I have thought would clear me of this guilty feeling. I don't really know what to do... anyways I think imma end this now, GOSHH my eyes are burning from the computer screen, I stayed on it for too long, so baii!!!!
march 27, 2022 - 2:35 am
FML!!!!
I feel so disgusting. I've been terrible lately. What's wrong with me????? I don't want to eat. I don't want to.
march 30, 2022 - unknown time (2pm maybe??!!!!) idk
I fantasize about killing people who pissed me off
So for example when my someone piss me off or anybody else in general I would fantasize about killing them. I also fantasize about killing people that made me jealous like celebreties who have a good life. I didn't really feel guilty about it until one day I just suddenly felt guilty about it. I also fantasize about killing people who I don't have any anger for, I felt so guilty about this. But this thing is the one I really felt guilty about. When I was at school in gym class and the teacher was doing something like to tell someone 3 facts about yourself and I was pairing with this dude I told him the 3 fact about me and then I realized there's something I said that wasn't true so I told him not to say it, but when it was our turn, he SAID it to the whole class, I could feel the anger inside my head the warm of blood running through my vain. I spotted a bumbbell and fantasize in my head about hitting him on the head, I could see his blood spreading on the floor. I didn't really think about it but after like 2 hours I felt so guilty about it. The worst part is I don't know if I actually wanted to do it or I actually tried to do it. I felt like a monster and I wanted to just end it. I would never forgive myself if I actually did it to someone who was innocent.
august 9, 2022 - 10:25 am
(UPDATE)
Hello again!! It's been 4 months since my last update, but it feels like forever. So much has happened and i'll try my best to share it all. School While I'm super stress I've been trying to find things to calm me down. I am now a junior (wow time flies) I'm already completely swamped with homework and it's only been a week. I also join a healthcare class which is the class im going to take for my CNA license, I was supposed to have it everyday turns out i read my schedule wrong (I'm really not sure how) I talk to my counselor and she said she will fix in about a week. I had my healthcare class on Monday but I didn't go because of my schedule (it says something else) so i ended up missing my first day! Ah well, these things happen, I guess. For one of my classes we were put into pairs, I'm still not super familiar with anyone in my class, but wouldn't matter if i did because i really don't work well with others! i would prefer to work by myself. So I'm already stressed about the silliest things. Anyways school is good so far but stressful, I'm bad at managing schedules and time, all of this is the usual, what else is new? hm.. Yesterday I woke up from my nap like “oh no!” I'm back where I started! What the heck! It's icing on the cake. I will end with the weather in mid June and July was really hot and bright, apparently the end of the week will be even hotter. Today is a rainy day the sky looks cloudy, I woke up today and open the door the first i saw was the rain I didn't have an umbrella, i woke my mom up so she could drive me to the bus stop, I arrive at school at 7:03 am by the time i got to class I was extremely wet so today when I get home i'm going to take a hot shower and change so i don't catch a cold.
February 27, 2023 - 1:40pm
A normal day at school…
Im so sick of needing food to be alive. I want to be chained to a wall and only given water every day for however long it takes to get this disgusting fat off my body. I can’t stand this. I hate food. I hate myself. I'm pathetic and fat and weak and a disgrace.
April 1st, 2023 - 3:30 am
Alone in my room…
TW - mentions of sh
I started cutting myself a couple months ago.I first did it because I was bored but now I do it because I get so angry at myself. I hate the way I look. Everything I do is disgusting. I wish I was skinny. I wish I was pretty. I wish I wasn’t pathetic. I hate myself! It just hurts to see myself reflected in the mirror everyday. It feels like I have this monster inside me, gnawing away from the inside out, and no matter what I do I can’t make it stop. It doesn't matter if I wear tight clothes or not. I look sick in makeup, LIKE IT'S MAKEUP YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK PRETTY IN THAT... I'm a mess. A monster. A DISGUSTING MONSTER. It makes me feel good. I love the scars, I love seeing the blood, I love feeling the pain. It makes me happy. I’m a hypersexual freak because of it. I started cutting not that long ago and I won't be going back. I love it. If I had to take 5 bullets to the chest (and live) to keep self-harming I would do it. FUCK THERAPY. ** i couldn't find pictures : I deleted them.**